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Dating sites can be treated in different ways. For example, to think that they are just losers and perverts. But reality, as a rule, has little in common with our idea of it. And the truth is that ever since people immersed their eyes in gadget screens, virtuality has become as normal as the world that Einstein called the physical world.
Introduction. Who this guide is for and what it is about
The Internet is a very useful thing that has made our lives at least convenient. Without any doubts or panic fears, we use the Web for communication, work and, of course, recreation. Relationships are no exception! Finding a life partner on a dating site is as adequate as finding a job on the job market.
In the guide, which you have just started reading, we will take apart and refute popular myths about dating sites. We will tell you how to attract attention. We will advise methods of correct communication. And, most importantly, we will warn of the mistakes that can and must be avoided.
Long before we compiled this guide, we were enthusiastically studying the experience of others and getting to know each other in applications. And today with full and unwavering confidence we declare, the Internet is an effective resource for dating. Of course, this resource is not devoid of flaws, but the latter is a reminder that nothing is perfect, and everything has its downside.
Enjoy diving into the world of virtual dating!
Chapter 1 Debunking the Myths about Dating Sites
What’s good about life is that it has possibilities.
You can meet a life partner everywhere – in the supermarket, at the gas station, and even at the polls. There is no exact address, but there is common sense, which suggests that the odds of meeting your soul mate at a house meeting are roughly the same as the chances of getting rich buying a lottery.
It is much more effective to register on a dating site, choose from a multimillion audience of suitable people and start correspondence. But first you have to free your head from labels and templates. And then – clearly understand who and what you want to find. Let’s begin at the beginning by debunking myths about online dating using the website Badoo as an example.
A place for losers. The myth that online dating is a place for those losers who have failed to find a life partner in “real life” is being shattered by the existing order of things. The Internet has already changed our lives and seriously subverted reality into virtuality – occupying us entirely, providing us with the opportunity to make and spend money, to learn new things and not forget the old, to make friends, lovers and loved ones.
The logic is simple. There are sites for shopping – AliExpress, eBay, Amazon. There are sites for communication – the same Facebook. And there are sites for dating – Badoo, for example. As convenient, modern and relevant a resource as online shopping and social networks. And, like other social platforms, it gathers ordinary people. With their normal human interests.
Badoo has an audience of nearly 500 million people. Like any crowded street, there are the occasional “loser,” “pervert” or other marginalized person. The vast majority, however, are “normal” homo sapiens. And if you lump everything into one basket, then you have to live in a strange world, where all men are “jerks” and all women are “fools. With that approach, you don’t have to think about your personal life at all.
Not a serious relationship. They also say that people get acquainted online only for sex – single, multiple, with or without a commitment. Either way – nothing serious, let alone such a plot twist as marriage.
Again, let’s take a broader view. There are millions of people on Badoo. Of course, among them are those who meet only for sex. As a rule, members of dating-community write about the goals in the questionnaire. Their intentions are also found out in the course of communication. Yes, for this purpose it is necessary to look through a large number of profiles, to begin a dialogue and even to go on a dozen of dates. So what?
We are constantly in a situation of choice. What to eat, what to wear, what to buy. It takes effort in a situation of choice, but the end justifies the means. The end is definitely worth the effort. If only there was a place to turn around. And there is room. And instead of taking the right place, someone chooses ineffective and in most respects biased criticism.
Hopefully, this “someone” is not you.
By the way, the most popular reason for deleting a profile on Badoo is “found/found a date”, and complaints of sexual harassment are somewhere in the back.
A surrogate for live communication. Virtual communication is, of course, a specific thing. First of all, it doesn’t commit to anything. You can talk about anything and anytime you want, and in case of discomfort you can block the interlocutor. Secondly, the most timid and shy people have an opportunity to present themselves in all their glory – virtual communication helps to relax, forget about complexes and start an exciting conversation.
As for the “live chat” … You met a man in a “real life” – then what? You will exchange contacts and correspond in instant messengers and social networks, that is to get to know each other mainly there – in the same virtuality, which you accuse of all mortal sins. Communication on the Internet is not a surrogate for live communication, but an integral part of it.
Since the advent of writing as a means of communication between people, society has made a serious leap forward in creating new means of communication. And the main achievement in this field is undoubtedly the Internet.
Even though there are many discussions about the Internet, to judge it in terms of “good” or “bad” is wrong. It is normal. We must finally come to terms with the fact that electronic technology has changed the form of social interaction.
The Internet can be used to manage personal finances, to make friends, and finding a life partner is no exception. It is a marketplace in which there is a supply for every demand. It is a limitless opportunity that can and should be taken advantage of.
Chapter 2: The pros and cons of virtual dating
A pessimist is a person who complains about noise when good
good luck comes knocking at his door.
Imagine you are walking down a crowded street. Of all the men walking by, at least twenty are quite all right. What do you do? Walk up and start asking about marital status, sexual orientation, and life plans? Even if you are brave enough to do so, not the fact that you attracted a man is in the search status. So what are your chances of finding a partner before your courage evaporates?
The first and foremost advantage of the dating portals is the target audience. This means that everyone in the community is set up for at least dating. With what objectives is another question. The answer to this is found quickly – for example, in the questionnaire, which with high confidence says about the intentions. The main thing is that all these people are hungry for dating.
Other advantages of dating portals:
Finding a soul mate is not limited by geographic, social or even moral boundaries. You choose your terms based on what you expect from your partner and future relationships.
You can learn a lot about each of the candidates for a place in your private life from the profile. Also, you can specify the options you want in your search parameters. Where else can you do such a handy thing?
The Internet is the cure for shyness. In a comfortable environment, at a convenient time you can browse different profiles and get acquainted, freeing yourself from fears and complexes.
The world of online dating is available 24/7. Neither work nor active lifestyle in the mode of “not a minute of free time” is no longer a hindrance to arrange a personal life.
As usual, there are arguments on the other side:
Finding a partner in a multimillion-dollar crowd can be grueling, but any big deal – and personal life is a matter of utmost importance – requires serious effort;
online, many people lie about intentions, marital status, income, age, etc., but that’s what communication is for, to get to know and understand each other, removing masks and building bridges;
there is a risk of getting the “who’s next?” syndrome and not stopping to search, but human insatiability, recklessness, greed, and other vices are certainly not the fault of the dating site.
And so it turns out that all the drawbacks are conditional, and the advantages are weighty. Not to mention the fact that internet dating is simply normal. And it makes no sense to wonder whether it’s good or bad. It’s much better (and better for your personal life) to take this resource and use it for your own selfish and calculating purposes.
Millions of people who want to meet and with whom you can meet, sitting at home on the couch at a convenient time, forgetting about fears and complexes – is not a reason to get a profile right now?
All the conditional disadvantages of dating sites are dissolved in a sea of unconditional advantages. In addition, a dating site – it is neither “good” nor “bad”, but in itself a trivial “normal”.
Dating sites are undoubtedly a valuable resource, which, with the right approach, can become and becomes a good support in matters of realizing relationships. It is a tool that must be used correctly.
Chapter 3: What dating site to start a profile on?
A man must choose his destiny, not accept it.
So, the Internet offers great opportunities for dating. And it does not matter what the goals of these dating. Some are looking for the love of their lives. Others – a pleasant fleeting sensation. Dating portals tend to focus toward one or the other.
The vast majority organize the environment for serious dating, building a multi-factor system of user verification. There are those who work towards commercial relationships, that is, bring together “daddies” and “content women”. Separate sites unite thematically living people – the adherents of BDSM and LGBT movements, for example. For all tastes, as they say.
The international site Badoo focuses on a wide range of safe dating. It is a multidisciplinary portal that has brought together millions of people to connect. Whatever your goals are, you’ll find like-minded people here. And yet, according to our survey, a large majority of Badoo members are single, and want to find a relationship. Which is only natural. After all, in general, people live by simple values, among which relationships are probably in first place.
Let’s get back to Badoo, namely to its benefits.
Registration on the site is free.
There is a mobile version.
Great importance is given to security: for example, when registering each member is verified (you will be asked to make a photo, showing a certain gesture).
Badoo’s progressive tools:
Ability to upload videos to your profile;
Live streaming online broadcasts;
chatting in private video chat;
option to find someone who’s around.
And almost everything doesn’t cost a penny. If you want more, buy the Premium package and get tasty perks like incognito profile visits and turning off ads on the site. Even without those, Badoo is a great place to find and find people. Sign up, fill out your profile, and head to “Dating,” one of the main sections of the site.
You have many chances to change your life for the better. And you are completely free to choose your alternatives. It doesn’t matter what kind of personal world you want to build.
Dating sites take into account all popular social requests. Some of them are focused on a narrow audience. Others unite people with common interests. There is a choice, and the final decision is yours.
Badoo, in addition to its huge audience (nearly 500 million users), offers a wide arsenal of convenient and progressive tools for communication – video chats, live streaming, and more. A high level of user security is a default feature.
Chapter 4. Useful tips for profile registration
You need to explain not only what makes you different but also what your point of difference is to others.
you need to explain not only what makes you different, but also what your point of difference is to others.
Now for the most important thing – about you. Namely, your profile. By and large, profile plays a key role in virtual dating. Clothes first, and it’s true.
Without going into too much detail right now, there are two big questions you need to answer when you’re filling out your profile: “Who are you?” and “What do you want? In this chapter, we’ll give a couple of important tips on how to answer these questions in order to attract as many worthy partners as possible.
Nickname and its role. Writing the first thing that pops into your head is not an option. The nickname is the “dress” you wear. These “clothes” are only part of your closet, but the details are known to matter. Form the right impression of yourself. Not glaring, but just the right one. For indelible effect you could call yourself Dazdraperma or Kukutsapolyu. Pay attention – they will, but is that your goal?
It is quite acceptable to leave it as it is – a name from “real reality”. Especially if what is there looks good. And if you don’t want to expose the facts publicly, cover yourself with a nickname. The main thing – without the vulgarity, mythology (“Valkyrie”) and abbreviations (“QWERTT123”).
Photo and video choices. Men still love with their eyes. 5-10 good photos (and on Badoo you can upload not only photos but also videos) will tell a potential partner more than all the words. Light flirting and a hint of intimacy are appropriate. But clearly understand the difference between direct candor and intriguing understatement. As a rule, this difference is subtly felt by the masters. Giving up your tenth purse in favor of a studio shoot is a great investment in your personal life.
A good portfolio is 80% of success. “Pictures” have a key influence on the mind, and the importance of this factor is underestimated by many women. You can discuss “primitive dorks” as much as you want, but beauty of soul was, and still is, second on the list of women’s virtues. At the head of this ranking – the external appeal, which is worth demonstrating.
A close-up face, as well as a photo that shows the character of the figure, is a must. Spare potential partners from uncomfortable questioning in the area of your texture.
Photo processing in the editors is quite acceptable. But it is important not to overdo it. Unless, of course, personal meetings are still in your range of interests.
All other things being equal, photos of women with smiles attract more fans than installations of “Earthly life is full of sorrows.
Pictures of you doing what you love – riding a horse, dancing or drawing – greatly increase your competitiveness. The rich spiritual world and multifaceted nature can be told without words.
The joker in the album is a photo about sports. Yoga, fitness or cycling – it doesn’t matter. What matters is that the athletic girls are usually toned.
And in general on the site – as in life. A well-groomed, smiling and flirty woman attracts attention. And there is definitely no sexism in this, because the opposite is true. It’s not just women who are greeted by their clothes, but men as well. And that’s one of the fundamental rules of the game called Life.
What to write about yourself. The next ton of effort will have to be invested in words. Difficulties may arise at the start – for example, many will be baffled by a trivial question about height and weight. There is no need to remind you that the more truthful your answers to these and other questions, the greater will be the success in the field of personal life.
However, answers in the spirit of “the truth and nothing but the truth” in the presentation of themselves are sometimes inappropriate. For example, in the section “About Me” to write about a heavy PMS, financial crisis and childhood traumas, to put it mildly, not profitable. Form the image of a happy, interesting and mysterious woman, trying to fit into a few capacious and catchy phrases.
A couple of good examples of presenting yourself:
“Lover of bright impressions, ready for a serious relationship, write! I make gray everyday life interesting, delicious and warm. Generating care, tenderness and love. Looking for a reliable companion to travel the expanse of Life.”
“Looking for a man with the “for love and serious relationship” option included. A “candy-coating period” application is a significant plus. Sense of humor is a plus in karma.”
“Not fancy – believe in love and fidelity. I prefer a classic relationship – looking in the same direction, building a hearth, creating comfort. Are our interests similar? Write to me.”
Give preference to simplicity – easy and clear text. A dating site is not a portal for writers. Just answer a couple of questions in your text. What’s your uniqueness and so-called “zest”? How do you want to be perceived by others? What can you do to interest them? All the main things you think about it, put it in the “About me” section.
What to write about it. Dating site, by the way, can be used as a tool of self-discovery. Already at the stage of filling out your profile, you can put a lot in place. The answers to the questions “Who am I?”, “What do I want?”, “Who am I looking for?” shed light on many different facets of what is called personal life. And personally, we’re very confident that reflection helps us live. And since it does, let’s take care of the comfort of thinking ahead now.
Your potential partner – who is he? How old is he, what does he look like, what does he do? Imagine a person with whom you could have both sorrow and joy. Can you imagine? And now, most importantly – all considerations in this regard, keep to yourself. Because all women without exception want financially secure, physically developed, intellectually gifted and very caring partner. No one will refuse a tight purse, a strong back and active crinkles. You have the right to specify what kind of relationship you are interested in, but it is better to omit the requirements for a partner.
Advertise yourself, and you will have a queue of worthy men. Communicate, and only in the process of communication get to know each other. As you get to know each other, relate to your personal preferences. And in the questionnaire is not a word about it. And so it is clear which life partner you need – the best, of course.
By the way, here lies one of the major mistakes of women, but we’ll talk about it in another chapter.
And always be on your guard. Not all sites offer a high level of security for their users. By the way, on Badoo – reliable verification, and verified users have a mark in their profiles. And girls on Badoo can also take advantage of an interesting option – requesting selfies in personal chat. If the site doesn’t offer any of these options, use common sense, your instincts and, if you like, your gut. All means are good except a generous advance of unconditional trust.
A questionnaire is an advertisement that promotes your personal brand. Generally, a lot of resources are invested in advertising.
Advertising is a profitable presentation of facts. Show the best version of yourself on the questionnaire. And don’t bill who owes who and how much.
Make voluminous representations about people by talking and meeting them in person. You can’t judge a person by a few lines, with few exceptions.
Chapter 5. The rules of successful Internet acting
Initiative is the key that opens the door to opportunity.
Don’t write first. Reply after a pause. Waiting for an invitation. What other patterns of the century before last do you continue to live in? Let’s discuss why women in the 21st century write first, how they manage to remain an enigma, and whether to pull the bank card from the purse to increase the chances of arrange a personal life.
Initiative. Be modern, that is reasonable and pragmatic. Initiative is not only not punishable, but also highly beneficial. There are millions of profiles on Badoo, and it’s easy to get lost in the crowd. You might not be found while you’re curtsying to outdated proprieties.
Writing first is the number one secret to successful dating. Initiative has a million advantages everywhere. And on a dating site, where the competition is high, to say the least, your success is directly proportional to your activity.
By initiating conversations, you stand out sharply from the girls sitting on the sidelines. Again, you take advantage of the unique opportunity to choose the best of the best rather than the best of the leftovers. And, let’s be honest, a lot of men like female initiative. Don’t worry, the reins pass into the right strong hands swiftly. You, most importantly, start, and he was happy to turn on. Before you know it the balance of power will change.
And the best part is that we girls do not have to sit down and puzzle over what to write first. It’s men who have to wiggle their wrists in search of original solutions, because “hello, how are you” usually doesn’t work. A similar message addressed to him will cause a flurry of positive emotions.
Still, try to avoid solutions that stretch into the realm of the trivial. You can always think of something catchy quickly. For example:
“I’ve never met a man with such a piercing stare. Nature or life experience?”
“I want to make sure that handsome men can be interesting conversationalists. Shall we chat?”
“Hi, I’m a journalist and I’m doing a social survey. Can I ask you a couple of questions? The first one is, how do you feel about girls who meet first?”
“It’s amazing how an ordinary photo can convey so many feelings. Is it a good photographer, a good angle, or the person in the photo?”
Uniqueness. The competition, as you already know, is very high. This means that your profile should be at least a ray of light in a dark kingdom – bright, fresh and catchy. However, just think back to yourself and you’ll quickly see what this is all about. What kind of advertising incites you to go to the movies – a bright trailer or a poster with nothing to say the name?
No one requires you to Chekhov’s syllable and model looks. However, the man does not have telepathic powers. Tell him in the questionnaire – who you are, what makes you unique, where are the riddles, unraveling which he will have to puzzle his head. Speaking of mystery.
Femininity. The “mystery” option is on and don’t turn it off. Unlike other retro – the same “sitting and waiting” – “woman-mystery” has not lost its relevance. Well, how to become her, there are no specific instructions and can not be. It is all about innuendo, softness and malleability. Chop the truth or sickle on the balls – not about the mystery.
Don’t give away everything about yourself at once. Leave him here and there in excitable ignorance. Form his need to get to know you more and more. And, of course, know how to balance between mystery and sincerity, leaving room to develop a wonderful thing – trust. Everything in moderation is good, and a continuous mystery is something from the field of “overdose.
Efficiency. It’s hard to say exactly how much of an increase in the chances of getting a personal life when you buy paid services, but in our estimation, VIPs, Premiums and other similar paid subscriptions have plenty of advantages. For example, Badoo’s paid package gives you a peek into the faces of those who have “liked” you. Also, messages from “premiums” are offered to be read first. A complete list of bonuses can be found in the “Help” section of the official portal, and to buy – by clicking on “Activate” in your profile, pay by credit card or Paypal.
Whichever site you sign up with, study the potential. As a rule, any of them offer a number of tools to increase uniqueness and popularity. You have to pay for some options, and that’s fine. After all, none of us question the appropriateness of buying nice clothes. The questionnaire is also the “clothing” by which one is greeted. And you can complain as much as you want about social inequality, VIP status has weight. Both in the “real” and virtual reality.
In many areas of life, success is directly proportional to activity – on time efforts. Sitting and waiting by the sea of weather is a bad choice, because of which the case in the best case will not move from the dead point.
Investing in a profile – and this is not just about money – is a matter of paramount importance, because we are talking about competing in a crowd of millions of people.
The ability to take advantage of opportunities, including those inherent in nature – for example, the notorious “femininity” – absolutely multiplies the eventfulness and emotional richness of personal life.
Chapter 6. Specifics of online communication
The best way to interest others in yourself is to be interested in others.
There is no such thing as specific communication between a man and a woman. Many psychological experiments confirm the susceptibility of people-regardless of their gender-to certain stimuli. For example, almost all of us feel that we are worthy of attention. And we take great pleasure in communicating with those who are interested in us. And we are also blind, like newborn kittens, in written language – we read the words, but we do not understand the meaning.
In this chapter we will talk about specific and classical rules of communication, which are applicable to both men and women, to dating sites, and to any other situation, the content of which is communication – the communication of one person with another.
How to express emotion. In the 1960s, scientist Albert Merabian determined the role that words play in conveying meaning. It turned out that through the mouth we generate for each other only a mere 7% of information. Intonation makes up 38% of meaning. The main load, namely 55%, falls on gestures and, of course, emotions.
When we communicate with each other in writing, we basically grope for meanings. Of course, it is not about 7% because in addition to words, we actively use punctuation and, of course, smiles. And there is no need to be skeptical about the latter, because they are our main assistant in the situation of network communication.
Smiley is the most convenient way to convey emotion in writing. Smiley faces make communication alive, increase the speed of perception, make up for the lack of visual contact. Feel free to incorporate “koloboks”, “devils” and “cats” into your correspondence, combining verbal and non-verbal ways of communicating information.
It often occurs to me that I should think of some typographic sign to indicate a smile – some squiggle, or a dropped parenthesis to accompany my answer to your question,” wrote Vladimir Nabokov in 1969.
Today you have thousands of “staples” at your disposal, conveying emotions, actions, and states. Take advantage of the opportunities graciously provided by our time.
About personal boundaries. Personal boundaries are one of the most tricky topics in online and off-line communication. These boundaries govern a complex system of “imports” and “exports” between individuals, the individual and the larger social system. “Imports” in this system are conversations about accepting help and other helpful resources, but blockading aggressive and harmful intrusions. “Exports” are the transmission and transfer of one’s own abundant resources.
There are some people for whom boundaries are something very contingent. Such people regard as their property or, at best, a “common cause” everything that comes into their sight. There is no need to be shy and intelligent with such people. First, it is a waste of time. Secondly, being on a dating site will turn into a total discomfort.
And remember, if the communication regularly goes out of bounds, knocking you out of a comfortable rut, it shows the following. It’s you who have not marked the boundaries of personal space. You’re the one who allows it to be invaded without consequence. Yes, many of us have not been taught to say the word “no.” And many don’t know exactly when to say that “scary” word. Here are a couple of tips for protecting personal boundaries and the territory those boundaries encircle.
Write down the rules you live by. What you do and don’t do. What you talk about and what you don’t talk about. And remember well all the things that make you feel comfortable – confident, joyful, courageous and firm.
If you feel uncomfortable, say stop. Boundaries that have not been communicated are not boundaries. Make it clear to your interlocutor that he or she is an intruder on your personal space.
Document (e.g., write down) situations that disturb your mental equilibrium. Keep track of the out-of-balance moments and replay the possible ways out of the communication.
Remember that boundaries exist for everyone. This line should not be violated by your interlocutors, as well as directly to you. Even with the best of intentions. Even if you know exactly what you need to do. One person’s freedom ends where another person’s freedom begins.
Influencing the mind. Communication is basically a complicated process. We say one thing and the person hears another. Or does not hear at all. Or hears, but he is banal uninterested – they say not about him, not about that and inexpressive. Here are a couple of important tips on communication practice on the dating site – how and what to write about in order to capture the attention of the person on the other side of the monitor.
Everyone considers himself to be at least an interesting person. Hence the simple rule – be interested in your interlocutor. Talk about him, or find topics that evoke in him a strong positive response.
Be careful in your choice of topics of conversation. Once you find an interesting one, keep yourself in control and respect the boundaries. Remember, with strangers too personal topics, as well as issues of politics and religion are not discussed.
Everything has its time and place. A dating site is not a therapist’s office. And it is not a community of people whose shoulder to cry on. It’s also not an emergency service. Do not dump a load of unresolved problems and personal grudges on your partner’s head.
An attractive interlocutor is a positive interlocutor. The life-affirming thought that the glass is also half-full, let it become your guide, not only on the dating site, but in general.
Everyone likes to hear praise. A couple of pertinent compliments will quickly set the person you’re talking to on a wave of special attention to you. It turns out that people rarely say nice things to each other. An interlocutor who regularly gives out a portion of pleasant words is worth his weight in gold.
If the dialogue does not stick, it is meaningless and tactless to insist on trying to please him. Yes, someone may remain indifferent to you. And it’s not a tragedy. Noticing (to yourself) the lack of interest in meeting, politely say goodbye, saying, for example, that you have things to do.
Tip: Try complimenting everyone you communicate with online and offline during the day: “What an elegant suit!”, “You’re so much fun,” “How nifty you are at getting things done”-a compliment can be anything, as long as it’s sincere. Practicing this skill makes it easy not only to correspond on a Web site, but also a complicated thing called Life.
There are more than a thousand emoticons in your smartphone. And it’s a serious tool for influencing the mind. And it’s not just that all those “hearts” and “cats” look cute – you are better understood, and the conversation becomes lively. Because words are not all you need to convey meanings and states.
Protect your boundaries and don’t violate others’. Build healthy communication, in which all interlocutors are comfortable and convenient. Do not give advice in the “very valuable personal opinion” category. Your opinion ends exactly where the opinion of another begins. Know how to find a balance.
Use two points of reference in communication – your own person and your partner’s interests. The latter surround special attention. After all, you know a lot about yourself, and his almost nothing. Information, as we know, is a very valuable resource, so use the great opportunity to get it – ask and listen.
Chapter 7. Dating site safety tips
It is a vice both to believe everyone and to believe no one, only the first vice is nobler, the second is safer.
Many of you may have already had the deceptive impression of “well, now we’re getting on!” With feeling, with thought and arrangement fill out the questionnaire and start catching fish on the hook of his remarkable charm. And so it would certainly be, if not for undercurrents, weather conditions and other factors, for which your plans for the upcoming fishing – zero total.
There are obstacles on the way to any goal. And sometimes these obstacles look very tempting. It seems that not even an obstacle at all, but the very goal that you have been striving for so long. Do not be in a hurry to mistake wishful thinking for reality. The dating site is not a place for hasty decisions and rash actions.
Who are the pickup artists. Unless the plan is to stay with your nose, you need to know who the pickup artists are. These 21st century catchers leave behind lasting impressions in the form of heartbreak and heartbreak. Unlike the donjouans of the past, pick-up men don’t get involved in the whirlpool of bubbling feelings. They are cold-blooded strategists who literally “only want one thing.”
As corny as it is, “Hi, let’s meet!” – such an unpretentious start is almost a guarantee of safety. A pick-up artist, on the other hand, immediately grabs attention: “Good evening. I head the association of gentlemen of this portal. Please delete your profile – it breaks hearts.” The profile of the “gentleman” is a sight to behold. The perfect man.
Communication develops rapidly. The meeting. Turning heads. The next thing you know, it’s either a “fast” or a “three-date.” In the first case, sex occurs at the end of the first heady meeting. In the second, it’s after three. In both cases, the foreplay is a roofie – some trick that puts the victim in a state of ecstasy. This can be a dinner on the roof, playing the violin under the moon, or even fireworks in your honor. And all in order to add another Special of the Female Sex to a pickup artist’s collection.
There are no feelings in pickup. There’s strategy and techniques (“kinestheticizing,” “anchoring”). In light of this, good honest guys in the “hello, how are you” category look very good. They don’t usually have a stone behind their backs. And those – and a star from heaven, and a rose from the sleeve. But the finish is the same: he left without saying goodbye. Melted away like smoke.
Scam schemes. Lonely hearts are broken not only by pickup artists. Any dating site is a carload and a small cartload of scammers (however, no more than on a crowded street of some metropolis). These scammers differ from each other in their level of chutzpah, ambition, and talent. Some are petty thieves (mostly women, asking them to “put it on your cell phone”). Others want nothing but the big bucks.
A lonely woman who is impatiently waiting for a prince is a “gold mine” for the swindler. There are a lot of variants to shake out everything from this vein with a little bit more on top. There are, however, well-trodden schemes that most people use.
“Expensive gift.” After a stormy correspondence, the groom (usually a foreigner) sends his beloved (that is, the victim) an expensive gift – a piece of jewelry, for example. Soon the victim receives a text message with a request to pay a fee (shipping, commission, or other). Amounts vary, from $10 to several hundred. The link to the official site, of course, is attached. After sending the required amount – finita la comedy. The gift, along with the scammer, disappears in an unknown direction.
“Ticket purchase”. If in the course of communication with a foreign fiancé discusses the scenario of a future meeting, sooner or later it will come to the purchase of tickets. A suddenly blocked groom’s card is a serious reason to be wary. A link from the groom to the website of a cheap airline is a reason to grab your feet and run (put the bank card back in your wallet and close it).
The site, of course, is a phishing site. Your money will go to the fraudster’s account. It’s better to overpay, but buy on a trusted site. And even better – do not plan to meet with men who at the right moment block cards and die third cousins. Speaking of ailments and other worldly mishaps.
“Got Troubled.” Empathy is generally considered an absolute good. But in some cases, empathy does a disservice. If you want to comfortably “surf” the world of virtual dating, empathy is a bad companion. And it’s not even about emotional burnout – the feeling of emptiness that results from emotional withdrawal. The bad news is that there are scammers on the dating site who know how to convert your empathy into personal money.
The scenario is simple. You chat, you fall in love, you plan a meeting, and at the last minute the date gets blown off: The “beloved” is in trouble – he was arrested by a terrible mistake, he was robbed by bad people, he was in an accident, etc. Situations are different, but they develop in the same way – the “beloved” needs material assistance. Substantial and as quickly as possible. As a rule, we are talking about thousands of dollars.
What kind of “fools” fall for this? It is important to note here that this kind of scenario involves a long “foreplay”. And even some “encouragement”. In general, serious work on brainwashing. All the more so – “ah, it’s not hard to deceive me, I’m happy to be deceived myself.
“Blackmail is common.” And, of course, in this ranking is blackmail. A potential fiancé enters into a tight confidence, and after some time offers to proceed to a more intimate relationship – to exchange explicit photos or to have sex over Skype. Losing control and a little distraught victim (“disappear to hell!”) sends a photo or agrees to video communication. And then the second act begins: blackmail. The scammer threatens to send dirt on social networks. He demands money for his silence. The curtain.
All the sites do it. All sane people like money, including the creators of the dating site. And it’s perfectly normal to get a decent income for their hard work. Another question is how decent – transparent and honest – the earnings are.
A special case of questionable honesty are “Premium” or “VIP” accounts. At first glance, nothing seems to suggest trouble. Especially when it comes to Badoo and other reliable portals. Indeed, blatant fraud is not engaged in these places. But something to improve profitability, of course, they do.
It turns out, and it is written in black and white, subscription to “premiums” is automatically renewed. It is, of course, written in deliberately small print. However, a large print won’t solve the problem. As a rule, any user agreements read like “War and Peace. At best it is read diagonally. More often than not, they don’t.
The good news is that you can unsubscribe from paid – and automatically renewed – subscriptions. The bad news is that you can’t unsubscribe everywhere. Sometimes you unsubscribe and cross your eyes, but the money continues to flow out in a thin but steady stream. Until the refusal, for example, is not put in writing and mailed.
And this is by no means the most severe clinical case. There are inoperable patients, when the application has to be sent by paper letter, let’s say to Karaganda. In this case, we go and block the card and never again register on sites with dubious reputation. And threatening calls from Karaganda are forwarded to law-enforcement agencies.
As for Badoo – just go to the settings section (click on the “cogs”), there find “Payment settings” and make the appropriate manipulations. For example, unsubscribe. Premium, as well as write-off money is deactivated at the end of the paid period. Money that has been written off is not going to be returned.
Your own illusions. In addition to money, health and reputation, on a dating site – as well as everywhere else – you can lose something else. I’m talking about loss of time, and the reason for this loss, in addition to the natural state of affairs, are often our illusions.
All – even Badoo – dating sites have a nasty quality. They stimulate our imagination. As a result, we get a deceptive sense of high demand and endless choices.
That’s why it’s so quick to meet and say goodbye. There’s a next one, and then there’s another next one. And there are millions and millions more. The process of choice, fueled by curiosity, drags on and takes on a chronic form.
The only question is whether you have enough common sense to stop at someone. Don’t screw up the meeting. Not break up after sex. Gently and carefully drag the relationship through adversity and years. And to do this you need to stop treating people like commodities: “They seem nice, but their nose is crooked. You don’t look for a serious relationship with that approach. You look for “I don’t know what.”
And the years fly by. And only you decide – “crooked nose” or time to change the approach. However, you can continue to live with the illusion of abundant choice. After all, “I’m fine on my own” – that’s life too.
Five basic rules:
Trust is a good thing. Without trust, life is difficult or even impossible. On the other hand, trust but verify. Reasonable trust is based on experience–evidence of sincerity. It does not arise for nothing. For example, because you like a person and want to trust him. Trust has to be earned. Check the information about the person. Look for evidence of his honesty and integrity. Do not give out trust in advance. In due time you will be able to pay off generous dividends, but don’t do it recklessly.
Don’t send intimate photos. Don’t have sex in video chats. And it’s certainly not about your moral worth. Today each of us has a unique opportunity to live our lives the way we want, even if that “want” runs counter to traditional views. Unfortunately, the risks are different. What you call personal can very quickly become public. And it’s probably not in your immediate plans.
The previous rule applies not only to racy photos and videos, but also to fairly ordinary photocopies or scans of passports and other documents. What can a scammer do when he gets hold of, for example, your passport data? Take out a loan. Register a company. Make a property deal. How fraudsters bypass the personal presence of the passport holder is another matter for the law enforcement agencies to sort out. Your business is to keep with you everything that has legal force.
Regularly read reports about marriage scammers. Type “blacklists of grooms” or “lists of scammers” into a search engine and you’ll get comprehensive information on the issue. And not when disaster strikes. Right now, read the stories of those who were ripped off and those who luckily got away with it. It’s a case of learning from the mistakes of others, not your own.
Love, which came by accident – a serious reason to enter high vigilance mode. Swindlers do not like to waste time in vain. Immediately take the bull by the horns – confess to a mad, fatal, fateful love. Life is no life without you. Life is not worth living. You may as well be in a coffin as in a noose. Or better yet, go head over heels, not alone, but together. And by the way, he probably has a house by the sea, a couple of yachts and a big business. You’re all he needs to be happy.
Chapter 8: The Three Key Mistakes of Behavior
If it is true that humanity learns from its mistakes, a brilliant future awaits us.
It’s entirely possible that one day (or almost immediately) you may feel frustrated, angry or annoyed and want to take down your profile and “never set foot on this site. Instead of crossing out your search history, try to work on your mistakes. It may be because it’s not your story, but it’s because you’re not acting online.
Everyone makes mistakes, and that’s okay. As the saying goes, he who does nothing is not wrong. The infallibility of doing nothing is not an excuse to sit back and fold your arms, but an express way to get into the category of those who “didn’t work out, nobody wants it”.
On the other hand, it is not necessary to follow the well-trodden paths of typical women’s mistakes, which greatly affect the outcome (not for the better, of course). Here are a couple of poignant examples, one of which is exactly about you.
“Grabbing him by the balls.” Sexologists remind us, such a sensitive part of the male body as the testicles needs affection, not an iron grip. “Testicle grabbers” think differently: the right man “has to be taken”-interrogated, invited, fondled, and married. Fortunately, these assertive women abhor covert tactics, preferring a direct attack, giving the man the opportunity to take the legs in his hands and run.
Surviving next to them are the complexed “men” who are flattered by this assertiveness. Do you want to fall into the category of those who “managed to take Vanya by the balls, and he now obeys her in everything”? Send a message with the text “Looking for a serious relationship with the prospect of marriage. The requirements for the candidate – strict. Sex – do not offer” to the first hundred suitable men. Those who responded – the potential “vani”, ready to hand over their tender testicles in the steel hands of assertive “egg-cutters.
Looking for a “soulmate.” And now let’s talk about the most dangerous misconception that has ruined the lives of so many girls. Yes, we’re talking about that “one” meant by “fate” itself. About that “soul mate” or, as they say, “the other half”, without which in life there is no happiness, success and, indeed, the meaning.
Meanwhile, in the book “What if: Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions” (What If: Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions), physicist Randall Monroe debunks the myth of inconsolable soulmates who wander the world in search of each other. In short, in the best-case scenario, one in 10,000 has a chance of meeting his “soulmate”. And that’s assuming that this lucky man will devote 10 years of his life (eight hours a day, seven days a week) to search.
Who’s next? There are probably perfect men out there somewhere. Where, in all likelihood, there are also perfect women. One thing is certain: that place is not our planet. There are ordinary people on Earth. And they are on a dating site, which rightly seems to be an inexhaustible source of wealth. There are so many of them, millions of partners. And some women are confused by this wide range: “At whom to stop – I do not know. Well, fine. The whole world at my feet.
In fact, the eternal search – it is a subversive work of the subconscious, which is trying to block the channel relationship. For obvious reasons, of course, including fears, resentments, and complexes. It’s much more comfortable to sit on the Internet, searching and waiting for “the best one” to come along someday, because “I won’t settle for anything less. If anything, the best is the enemy of the good.
Whose mistakes to learn from is a philosophical question whose answer depends on many factors, including the subject of the conversation. If the subject is personal life, the answers to all the global questions – parsing mistakes, lists of those mistakes, failed communication strategies and more – are detailed in the media. Not to mention the fact that everything can be discussed with a therapist – and get instructions, as they say, in hand.
Stop looking for your “soul mate. Co-dependent relationships in which the participants are not whole, but part of each other, are painful and fleeting. It lacks the main thing – respect for the individual and recognition of the rights of that individual. Behind an obsessive desire to find a soul mate there are fears and complexes. This is an attempt by an immature person to succeed in life at the expense of another.
Know when to stop. In time is when the here and now is comfortable, and on the horizon looms the prospect of building a relationship. Endless trying to find partners and getting stuck on their shortcomings (with an overwhelming number of merits) is not a thoughtful search, but a squirrel in a wheel.
Epilogue. A quantum leap from Network to Life
The fourth industrial revolution has happened, but that doesn’t stop many of us from living with hindsight. For example, claiming that dating on the Net is a waste of time and not worth the trouble. As a rule, the convinced proponent of this opinion is, without a second thought, an active member of the Internet of Things, a world in which even a toaster is connected to the global Net.
Of course, there is a huge difference between everyday objects and human relationships. But the approach, nevertheless, is the same, and it is based on the idea of a “high-tech strategy” with which to live more conveniently and efficiently.
With full confidence we can say, online dating is a conversation about high comfort and great opportunities. On sites created specifically for dating, you can communicate with people of any age, nationality and status. That is, the chances of finding a partner for life, or, if you will, the desired “soulmate”, are greatly increased.
The main question is the following: can online dating grow into a strong relationship?
Omitting the list of examples of “Masha” and “Sasha,” whose love story began on the Internet, and continued in the physical reality, let’s say in short – it all depends on you. Dating sites – a platform where people meet. Their future fate is the result of their joint efforts.
It is time to finally forget the harmful fairy tale, whose characters meet, fall in love, get married and live until death do not part. With such an approach, any acquaintance, whether real or virtual, and even those “destined by fate itself” will be unsustainable.
It seems that everyone is already talking about the work on relationships. But we want to remind you once again that a dating site is a tool. A modern, very convenient, but still a tool. And any tool is known to be passive and does not solve anything. So it turns out that everything is still in your hands. And some people – those who hoped that dating sites will magically change their whole life – this news will certainly upset them. But those who are used to counting on themselves, acting on opportunities, and not creating additional difficulties for themselves, will undoubtedly be successful.